But not lonely.

Hey there.

Just got back from a super chill run.

Running in winter is a whole different beast. You start slow but finish strong. Versus summer where you start super fast and hit a wall.

And it’s just a whole different beast, mentally. I mean, even getting out of bed is hard. So strapping on your compression base layers and getting out the door is a monumental ordeal.

It was 30 degrees today in Poughkeepsie, but it’s been in the 20s.

It sucks cuz if you dress appropriately so that you’re not freezing your ass off when you get out the door, you’re dripping in sweat underneath all the layers.

So you have to underdress a little bit and grin and bear it for a little while until you warm up. That’s the only way. It’s just a whole different beast.

But that’s also why I love winter so much. Because it’s that whole different beast.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love summer. Who doesn’t love summer. But summer’s just this wild blur. Summer is when you lose yourself.

And so winter is when you find yourself again.

It’s when you get some quality me time, which is always something I look forward to. I’m just more insular. More introspective. And also a little less vain. Only a little bit.

So speaking of me time. I think I’m going to see Star Wars this afternoon, solo. (My friend, Ben, thinks I need a girlfriend.)

And it’s something I’ve never really done.

Well, I’ve done it once before. When I was a kid. I forget where we were, but I was with my mom and we were going to some mall and she wanted to go shopping and I was not into that so she dropped me off at the movie theater and I watched the Lost in Space reboot while she shopped. The movie was OK. I just remember Matt LeBlanc being in it.

(Also, I didn’t realize that Matt LeBlanc is one of the main hosts of Top Gear. Didn’t realize he was such a car stud. And the dude can drive. But the only motor journalist in my heart will always be Chris Harris. Can’t get enough of that guy. BTW, he’s also, this season, joined as one of the main three presenters at Top Gear. The times, they’re a changin’.)

So anyway, that didn’t really count.

This afternoon will basically be the first official time I’m seeing a movie by myself. And I’m pretty OK with it.

Honestly, going to the movie theater with other people is sort of overrated.

Like I’ve always wondered about the wisdom of seeing a movie on a first date.

Like, why.

Just sit silently next to this person you don’t really know and can’t get to know because, SHHHHHH.

By the time the movie’s over, so is the date pretty much.

And plus, the tension. So much tension. Like what do you do with your hands.

The last time I went on a first date to the movies, we saw Gravity. And so not only was there the first date tension, but man that movie itself was so tense. Your ass is just fucking clenched the entire way because literally everything that can go wrong goes wrong one after another. Poor Sandra Bullock.

Lol, our friend Eunice went on a date and saw The Lobster, which is like an arthousey and quirky Colin Farrell movie. I remember cuz we were talking about the movie before she went.

And I just can’t imagine sitting through that movie with someone on a first date. That movie is so weird!!!

I do like watching movies with Walter. I think that’s why we’re such good friends.

But he’s married now. So I have some competition for movie time.

But these days, I am pretty OK with doing things on my own. And I don’t mean that in like an “I’m feeling sorry for myself” kind of way.

It’s the opposite really. Like I just like doing things my way. On my terms. And like, there’s no real point in compromising any of that.

Unless for a really, really, really good reason.

Not just a really, really good reason.

Like, seriously, it’s sort of a choice.

Because being in a relationship is super taxing. It’s super distracting. Constant compromising.

These days, I’m always thinking about today and tomorrow like, what do I have to do. And all I’m thinking about is like DONUTS and working out and running and my fam. (I bought all my xmas presents this weekend!!!)

And so all of my bandwidth is basically dedicated to those things.

When I’m crazy about a girl, all I think about is that girl. It’s like, life just freezes. Life goes into stasis. Nothing matters, suddenly.

Maybe that’s just an immature way to deal with relationships.

Maybe I’ve inadvertently used relationships like alcoholics use booze, to escape the day-to-day.

Or maybe that’s just the kind of person that I am. I dive head first. All or nothing.

And so I just can’t deal with that right now.

We are making really good progress.

We are making steady headway.

Like, I am VERY close to doing sets of 225 lbs on bench press. VERY close. (Yesterday, we did sets of 210. Gonna go for 215 this week.)

I think in the past, I would get caught up about being alone. About that yearning for companionship.

I mean, who doesn’t. Man, we all want that.

But these days, I just care a lot less.

It’s also because of the kind of relationship I want. It needs to be a constructive and productive relationship. Someone who helps me be more me.

And for that to happen, I need to, first, become the person I’m supposed to become.

(Take Sammy for instance. Who, as soon as he became single, helped his friend Ki, make a mixtape.)

What I’m trying to say is.

I’ll let you guys know how Star Wars is.