What a newb.

OK, technically, THEY BOTH GOT DUMPED.

Basically at the exact same time.

I’m talking about my friends Sammy and Ki.

It’s funny because I was basically there. I was at the last supper. It was after a race, I think it was around April, around my birthday. It might have been my birthday race because everyone was there!

Oh no, I remember now. It was the week before, which is Sammy’s birthday.

The last supper was also Sammy’s birthday brunch, lol.

So after our race in Central Park, we all met around midtown somewhere for brunch.

Like I said, everyone was there. Walter, Sharukh.

And then some of Sammy’s friends because it was his birthday. Like Calvin, who is the best. He’s a dentist.

And also Ki, who is the other guy in this story. He’s an orthodontist. Lol.

But it was a special day, not because it was Sammy’s birthday. But also because I was going to be meeting Yulie for the first time, this girl Sammy had been dating for a few months now.

We hadn’t seen her yet because it was a long distance relationship. She lived in Providence, where she taught English at a bougie, elite private school.

And so we were all super excited to meet this girl that Sammy was so gaga over!!

Little did we know, it was the beginning of the end, lol.

They have a crazy story, too. How they met.

Like, not on Tinder.

Sammy was on a plane back from Seoul after visiting home for the holidays.

And of course, he ends up sitting next to this pretty Korean girl.

The kind of thing that never happens. Never happens to you. Never happens to me. But ALWAYS seems to happen to Sammy.

The dude lives a charmed existence.

So lucky.

Anyway, Sammy ends up sitting next to this girl. And IDK, girls always just seem to love Sammy. There’s always like a waiting list of girls waiting to hang out with Sammy.

It’s impossible for me to wrap my head around cuz Sammy is just not that great.

He’s not that great at all. He’s fucking annoying. (We’ll get to that later.)

And yet everyone always loves Sammy. It’s this crazy phenomenon.

I remember back in college. Korean male citizens have mandatory army service. Two years basically. Because of North Korea.

So a lot of overseas kids in college will go over sophomore year. To do their two year duty and then come back and finish college.

It kind of sucks because after two years, you leave all your friends and you’re stuck scrubbing the floors and toilets of the officers’ barracks while everyone else is enjoying junior and senior year.

So everyone knew it was coming. Everyone knew Sammy was leaving at the end of sophomore year.

And everyone was sad.

So sad that everyone had this like huge party for him. There were FREESAMMY t-shirts and FREESAMMY masks on popsicle sticks. It was insane.

Man, everyone loves Sammy.

Anyway, now Sammy’s sitting next to this cute girl on the plane.

So, of course, she is powerless to his undeniable, inexplicable charm.

Better yet, there was a touch of destiny.

It turns out that their moms went to the same high school or something as kids.


So it was just one of those situations.

There was basically no way these two weren’t going to date.

Fast forward a few months, this girl is sitting directly in front of me at brunch.

And she’s a great girl!

I really liked her.

We had a nice chatz.

She subscribed to DONUTS. (And later unsubscribed LOL.)

And cuz Ki was also there, I met his girlfriend at the time, Ellie.

She also subscribed to DONUTS. (I think she’s still subscribed! Ellie’s kewl.)

It was just a beautiful day. Everyone was hitched. (Except me, obviously, lol.)

And like the vibes were just great.

No one would have thought that that day was the beginning of the end.

And yet, it was.

A few months later, it was fucking OVER.

But the coincidental part is that it was over for Sammy and Ki at the same time.

Getting dumped is a supremely lonely process, as anyone who has ever gotten dumped will know.

I know. (And know. And also know.)

But these two, they got dumped at the same time. So now suddenly, they had each other. They were super lonely too because they were so cold at night even in the middle of summer. So cold in bed. So cold and alone.

But they had each other, damnit.

The other thing about getting dumped is that it’s the beginning of a beautiful process. It’s the beginning of something.

Even though it feels like it’s the end.

Getting dumped is the beginning.

And so there’s something super beautiful about it.

Some people, when they get dumped, will lawyer up and hit the gym.

Other people will eat a lot of pizza and play video games.

Sammy and Ki, they decided to make a mixtape. (Ki as the artist, Sammy as his manager.)

(Yeah, Sammy is basically E from Entourage. Mad annoying, right?)

(But E also gets the girl at the end, ugh. Damn you Sammy.)


That mixtape is called Eleanor. You can listen to it here.

You can also watch the video about the making of Eleanor here. (Which is basically an episode of DONUTS in spirit.)