Go out and eat some pizza.

Ugh, I’m so full right now. I just had a ginormous meal. Lol, like 5 eggs.

That “like” qualifier is necessary to temper the ughness of eating 5 eggs.

I’m going to have terrible cholesterol one day, if I don’t already.

I never got the point of egg whites.


Like, I want to eat unborn babies. I don’t want to eat the gruel that unborn babies osmote to survive.  Think about it. (Also, that’s the verb form of osmosis, yeah?)

[Editor’s note: As Meg correctly points out, “The white is the unborn baby. The yolk is the lunchable.” I knew that. Also, I’m an idiot. Also, I love Lunchables.]

The best part about maintaining a high protein, high-ish fat, high fiber type diet is that I will feel insanely full like I do right now, but in an hour or so, I’m going to feel normal and then in two hours, I’m gonna feel super slim again.

Versus on those big cheat days where I go all pizza-the-hut and I just feel bloated for days.

It’s just the worst, like I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I don’t care about my body cuz if I bloat a little I just look kinda buff, but the problem is that my face bloats like crazy and my jaw just sort of recedes into my chin and neck. Like, my jaw basically just disappears. And I don’t even have the ability to grow a beard to cover it up. It’s horrible.

But man, do I love carbs. I love it so much. I think I love it more than candy or chocolate or ice cream. I love noodles. I love bread. OMG, I love Italian sandwiches with salty meats. With oil and vinegar AND mayo (and a dash of black pepper). Because, look, if we’re gonna do it, we might as well do it.

I’ve also been drinking a lot of Coca Cola Zero Sugar. It’s unclear to me if the formula is different from Coke Zero (since I was a fan of Coke Zero), but man, I love Coke Zero Sugar. It tastes so real. Like, I am so impressed by how real it tastes. And ZERO CALORIES.

I mean you still have to live with that lingering sort of feeling, that voice inside your subconscious that sort of just whispers to you, FAKE. IT’S FAKE. CHEMICALS!!!!

I feel like that’s going to be the same voice in the future, like in 20 years when you are in your VR pod having sex and it’s going to be so good, like so real. Like you can’t believe that it’s real, that she isn’t actually there. But that same voice is going to be like, FAKE. SHE’S FAKE, MAN.

That voice is the ultimate party pooper.

I remember back in like freshman or sophomore year of college when I had to take whatever humanities type classes with philosophy type stuff and I guess the Greeks were already talking about that voice. And Plato like logically explained the existence of that voice and why it’ll always be there like. You’re never gonna be able to shut it up.

Those classes were fun. And then Plato would go and Kevin Spacey all of his disciples. Because talking abstract bullshit is the ultimate aphrodisiac, amirite?

Anyway, I basically lived on carbs for about 30 years. Because, you know, the fewd pyramid. Not only that, I just loved carbs, lol. I can eat an entire box of White Cheddar Cheez Its in a single sitting, ie 15 minutes.

It’s funny cuz carbs is like the one food where I have an addictive relationship. It’s literally the only food. It’s like a lot of other habits, where like, I’m on the wagon and then I fall off the wagon and then it’s so fucking hard to get back on the wagon. That’s carbs. If I have a big carb cheat day, all of a sudden I’m hooked again. All I can think about is carbs 24/7. Something in my brain is just wired like that. It’s like when I used to smoke cigarettes. Carbs is the same. And then my face is fat. FAT FACE!!!

And actually I feel the same way about like, checking Instagram and stuff. If I start checking it again, then I end up checking it multiple times a day, every day. But if I break the habit, then I just never even think about it. (No, but seriously, your lives are interesting and I respect you and I want to vicariously live through your awesomeness except look, I have better things to do with my time and my headspace, except when I’m off the wagon, then it’s kewl, we’re friends.)

Carbs, cigs, and Instagram.

And virtual reality sex.

Can’t wait for that.

China, though.

I was gonna talk about that but got distracted.

Who cares about China, anyway.

It’s Friday.

Go out and eat some pizza.